All my life I have been looking for something that was within my grasp all along: validation. I have spent a great deal of time and energy seeking approval from others. I didn’t realise that the only person who needs to validate me is me. I have me to turn to and I had me all long. In Greys Anatomy Meredith questions who her ‘person’ is. For those who don’t watch the show she meant her ‘go to’, the one she can rely on no matter what. She was her person, she just didn’t realise it.
Sometimes I can be so calm when someone is telling me something provocative that I am met with a look or even have the story repeated to me assuming that perhaps I misheard, so small was my reaction. This was me pausing before responding, I just didn’t have the knowledge of mindfulness to understand myself.
In the past I would question myself, discarding my inner voice and making far too much room for other more dominant voices. I started to overreact to impress, to behave in a way that suited others, to fall in line.
Just like a mountain, I needed to learn to be myself at all times, unmoved by the weather patterns around me. “…seen or unseen, in sun or clouds, broiling or frigid, it just sits, being itself” (Jon Kabat Zinn, Wherever You Go, There You Are, p138).
Remaining still and comfortable in your own skin takes time and a lot of self acceptance (I believe for me this is a lifelong project). I find that a self compassion meditation followed by a mountain meditation really helps me. The self compassion meditation boosts love and kindness towards myself and the mountain meditation boosts my inner strength, self belief and equanimity. I use these meditations regularly to remind myself that I am enough, that I have me to turn to, that I am my ‘person’.