parentingteens

Mindful Parenting: Becoming the secure home base for your teen/preteen

As parents, how we behave when our kids are distressed matters. It sets the tone for their emotional capacity. After all, children can only exist within the capacity of their parents’ nervous system. It can be challenging but we need to be less scared of reality than they are. Remaining solid and grounded regardless of what is thrown at us. The unwavering mountain, lighthouse parent or whatever else we want to call it. How can we remain calm and centered throughout our children’s adolescence and beyond? Here are ten tips that may help…

1. Fill your cup. You can’t nurture others without nurturing yourself first. As they say, you can’t pour from an empty cup. Ask yourself, what helps you to release stress? Are you carving out enough time for this? It could be exercise, a mindful walk in nature, dancing, singing, a yoga class, Qi Gong, Sound baths, mindful knitting etc. Are you making enough space for this in your life? If not, set an intention to dedicate more time to the activities that uplift you. Setting time for you can help to boost your resilience. When we are stressed (and parenting can often be stressful) the body feels under threat. We need to find ways to tell the body everything is ok, resetting it to equilibrium. Topping up our resilience fuel tanks regularly so we can handle more tuts, eye rolls, and whatever else comes our way.

2. Role-model emotional regulation by responding rather than reacting. Are you responding calmly to your child even when they push all your buttons or are you often reacting to your child’s reactions? It is hard to stay calm when it feels like they are showing you little respect. I have been at the receiving end of many spikey comments already and my son is only eight. Can you try connecting with your breath in these moments? Conscious breathing can anchor you in the present moment, calming the nervous system and allowing you to see things more clearly. Breathing through the rudeness to retain balance and a measured perspective. I often walk into another room when I’m overstimulated to connect with the breath and role model how to navigate strong emotions. Conscious breathing involves paying attention to how the breath feels in your body, which could be in the tummy, chest, or nostrils. The idea is to shine a light on it for a few breaths and lean into the sensations as they arise. This helps to ignite the parasympathetic nervous system (the rest and digest system) signalling to the body that everything is ok. This doesn’t imply that I tolerate a lack of respect. I still maintain boundaries and clarify when they have crossed the line. I just try to do it from a place of calm, strength and balance.

3. Become more self-aware. If you want to understand your child’s pain you need to become aware of your own first. Whilst we all know that children’s behaviour can occasionally rattle us, we need to ask ourselves are there times when we’re being triggered by old pain? It could be something your child said or did…how is it making you feel? Can you create space to sit with it? Turning towards the discomfort and understanding what the root cause of your suffering is. After all, you have been shaped by your own upbringing and the last thing you want to do is project any negative experiences onto your child. Parenting shines a light on anything that needs to be healed within you. Perhaps you’re triggered because no-one is listening to your requests and growing up you often felt ignored. Or perhaps you’re projecting your own fears onto your child based on a traumatic experience from your childhood. You may unknowingly be making up stories in your head based on these experiences. Turning inward allows us to grow as we become more self-aware, identifying where we may be holding ourselves and our children back. We create space to lean inwards and ask ourselves, what is making me feel unsafe? Why do I feel this way? Approaching ourselves with kindness rather than the narrative, there is something wrong with me. There is nothing wrong with you, you are carrying the weight of conditioning on your shoulders and it’s time to look inward and start healing.

4. Choose self-compassion and self-kindness. While we often heap love onto our children, we need to remember that we also deserve love, compassion, and kindness. If your child is taking out their frustrations on you (whether your behaviour is to blame or not - often in the teenage years it has nothing to do with you but you are the target) it is important to spend time letting out any upset. Allowing space to cry and/or meditate so that you’re acknowledging the pain and in turn, setting it free. This stops you from holding onto it and potentially building resentment or unconsciously firing it back at them later.

5. Try connection over correction. It can be easy to get caught in a cycle of nit-picking our children’s behaviour. When we frequently focus on the negative we can forget to make time for the positive. Reflect for a moment on the balance of criticism versus encouragement in your household. If your child only receives criticism or rarely receives positive feedback it could affect their self-esteem. After all, as they say, how we talk to our children becomes their inner voice. So it is essential that we find moments to boost them up. This could be as simple as telling them how much you love them or how proud you are of them. And praising their progress when you see behavioural changes, even if it’s baby steps. For example, perhaps they’ve taken a moment to regulate themselves instead of habitually jumping down your throat or they’ve taken the rubbish out without a reminder. If we encourage the positive with more compliments than criticism we can boost their confidence and self-worth and it may even lead to repeat behaviour (don’t quote me on that!).

6. Choose present moment parenting whenever possible. This involves spending quality time with your child where you are emotionally and mentally present, without a phone in your hand or another task up your sleeve. A good question to ask yourself is how much time do you spend having fun with your child? I mean in the present moment smiling or laughing with them? It can be tricky when they get older to pin them down with all the hobbies, gatherings and other distractions. Yet it is essential that we make time for this.

7. Set boundaries and stick to them. “A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect” Anonymous. Step into your power. That fierce inner strength within. Build up a deep self-assurance that doesn’t waver. It can be useful to learn more about assertiveness skills so that you don’t fall into the trap of aggression/passive aggression/or passive communication styles. If we feel under attack our demeanour can inflate, our voices can rise, and we start making more demands through gritted teeth. We apply greater force. Which can lead to greater counter will from your child. Reactions leading to reactions. It can affect the relationship over time. We need to find another way to communicate our needs assertively. Which in turn role models this for our children. This takes practice and patience!

8. Role model an apology. If/when we react rather than respond it is important that once we’re calm we acknowledge this and apologise. This is another opportunity for role modelling. We’re all humans after all, and an apology shows your child that we all make mistakes and we can own those mistakes and take learnings for next time.

9. Forgive quickly. This can be hard as teenagers can really go for the jugular at times. It can be tempting to hold grudges when they’ve really hurt you. However, holding onto insults for too long keeps you stuck in disconnection and doesn’t role model forgiveness. Instead, try practising a self-compassion meditation to release the pain, understanding that often the pain fired at you isn’t personal.

10. Continue to show unconditional love and acceptance that only a parent can truly offer. Friendships can often be conditional during the teenage years. Even friendships that appear to be bound for life can fall apart. A friend can easily get distracted by a new group owing to the overarching teenage brain’s desire for social acceptance. So create a safe space of unconditional love and acceptance for your child. Making room for your child to truly be themselves with you. At school and around their friends they will often put on masks to protect themselves from hurt or discomfort. You can provide the safe space for your child where they can let down their guard and be as goofy as they like.

11. Mindful listening. How are your listening skills? Would you say you can deeply listen to your child? If not, this is an important skill to develop. To strengthen relationships your child needs to feel deeply known and understood. Check out Chapter 13 of my book, Resilient Teen to learn about listening skills. https://shorturl.at/cmuDF

Mindful Listening : Helping your adolescent feel deeply heard and understood

We all know the feeling when we’ve been truly listened to. It’s as if the load has lifted a little as our feelings and thoughts have been acknowledged and understood. Yet, as parents we can sometimes struggle to fully listen to our children. This is not intentional, it could be because we have an inbuilt urge to save our children from discomfort and pain so we may jump in too quickly with a solution before hearing them out. Or we may feel too triggered by what they’re saying so we unconsciously rush through the conversation to try and end it as quickly as possible. Or it may be a symptom of our busy lives, juggling what feels like endless tasks, or extreme tiredness just when they decide to open up at 11pm at night. So how can we improve our listening skills when our adolescent children decide to open up to us? Here are some tips…

  1. Ensure your phone is out of sight so you won’t be distracted. If you have it by your side it could go off at any moment. Even a vibration can send signals to your child that you’re not fully paying attention.

  2. Ensure you’re mindfully ready by taking a few conscious breaths. Paying attention to how it feels in your tummy, chest area or nostrils as you breathe in and breathe out. This will ground you in the here and now, letting go of other tasks so your full attention is on your child.

  3. Consider your body language. Most experts agree that 70-93 percent of all communication is nonverbal. So ensure your body language is open with uncrossed arms, good eye contact, and an awareness of your facial expressions. As an expressive person, I tend to give away how I feel with a subtle raised eyebrow. This has got me into sticky territory before!

  4. Try not to interrupt. You may have the urge to step in and offer advice as soon as you can. This is of course, natural as a parent. Leaving a bit more space for your child to open up can lead to a greater depth of understanding. To remain present, drop into your breath again to anchor you and maintain your focus on what is being said. This is about waiting for the moment when they may ask for your advice rather than jumping in too early without hearing them out fully. There may be a nugget of information they disclose that could really help to understand their point of view.

  5. Remember just being there and listening holds the most power. So pat yourself on the back for that alone. Validation also goes a long way as it shows that you’ve deeply listened. For example, saying something like “From what you’ve said, I heard…which makes you feel…have I got this right?” This provides an opportunity for greater clarity if needed and it can be soothing for the child to feel heard.

  6. If you feel like your child has held back and there is more to say, here are other questions you could ask to help them to open up more…“That sounds tough, tell me more. And how does that make you feel? And what story are you telling yourself?”

  7. After they’ve disclosed everything, it is tempting to jump right in with a solution and save your child from discomfort. Of course, we as parents are built this way. Again, use your breath to ground you and calm the urge to helicopter parent. Remember, no-one likes to feel controlled, criticised, or lectured. It is our child’s job to solve their own issues, not ours. We guide them and this is a very important role for us. We can help them to arrive at a solution. Here are some useful phrases, “How do you feel about that choice? How could you have responded differently?  How can I support you with this?” These phrases are empowering for your child. If they come up with the solution themselves, it boosts their resilience and it’s also more likely that they will go along with the decision rather than feeling forced. It can also boost their confidence and self-esteem, leading to more can-do attitude to life.

For more tips and ideas, I run parent workshops and parent/child workshops online and in person. Contact me via bathmindfulness@gmail.com to learn more.