Supporting your teenager's mindfulness practice

You may find it hard to encourage your teenager to practice mindfulness. They seem to have an inbuilt sensor when mum or dad really wants them to do something and even a sniff of potential force can lead to greater resistance.

As many of us know from parenting advice, it is far more effective to role model how we would like our children to behave. So I encourage you to try practicing mindfulness yourself. After all, our children observe our behaviour. We can become acutely aware of this if they call us out when our actions don’t match our words. Asking our children to take a few breaths during moments of overwhelm when we don’t could be deemed hypocritical. Asking our children to practice meditation if we haven’t given it a try seems unfair and is unlikely to inspire change. So role-modeling is essential.

I recommend reading from the Introduction to Chapter 3 of my book, Resilient Teen to understand the basics of mindfulness and try a few formal practices. There are six meditations available to download, see page 14 for the download link. There may be one (or several) that resonate.

If you find formal meditation too tricky (you may struggle to keep still, even the Movement meditation may feel too slow for you), remember there is always the breath. The next time you feel overwhelmed, try tuning into your breathing to calm your nervous system. Every time you practice breathing exercises you are role-modeling the importance of self-regulation. You are showing your child how to respond calmly rather than react emotionally. The more often you practice connecting with your breath the better. If you try it during your next fall out with your child you will create a pause, allowing time to understand your child better and find the right words to express your feelings. It is important to allow room for your child to also find space to breathe. They may choose to walk away to create breathing space the next time there is a fall out so remember this may not be a power play.

If your child is keen to practice mindful meditation (internal high five!), here are some useful tips to support your child‘s practice…

  • Provide somewhere comfortable where they can relax and not be disturbed for 10-20 minutes. Often, teenagers like to practice in their bedrooms so ensure they have space for meditation. The ideal space to practice meditation is on the floor as there is a chance they may fall asleep on the bed. If they are exhausted and need a nap, feel free to use the bed and remember the body scan can help to calm the nervous system ready for sleep so if they drift off, it’s what the body needs.

  • Provide headphones if possible to avoid noise distraction. It can be frustrating when you’re trying to settle into a meditation but it’s too noisy in the house.

  • Provide a blanket as temperatures can drop during the practice and it can be hard to focus when we’re cold.

  • Provide a cushion for seated practice. If they’re in the bedroom a pillow can suffice.

  • Keep any siblings busy and ensure they don’t distract them during meditations. Can you pop a sign on the door or ask your child to write one?

  • Remember, five minutes of practice is better than nothing. After practice remember to pat them on the back and show positivity for taking the time to practice. There are so many distractions for adolescents these days so any intention to take time out to quieten the mind deserves a high five.

  • Consider practising alongside your child if they are happy to share the experience. It can be an opportunity to boost the parent-child bond. After practice, it can be chance to chat about any feelings that pop up if your child wants to. However, your child may also wish to experience this privately, allowing them to really lean into their feelings and thoughts without discussion.

  • If your child is keen to practice again it can be helpful to help them find a suitable time in the day to set up a regular practice. It could be the morning before school (often tricky for adolescents!), after school or into the evening. Or pick certain days for practice that work better for their schedule. Developing a routine can work wonders for your child as they will go to the mind gym regularly, topping up their resilience fuel tank.

Mindful Listening : Helping your adolescent feel deeply heard and understood

We all know the feeling when we’ve been truly listened to. It’s as if the load has lifted a little as our feelings and thoughts have been acknowledged and understood. Yet, as parents we can sometimes struggle to fully listen to our children. This is not intentional, it could be because we have an inbuilt urge to save our children from discomfort and pain so we may jump in too quickly with a solution before hearing them out. Or we may feel too triggered by what they’re saying so we unconsciously rush through the conversation to try and end it as quickly as possible. Or it may be a symptom of our busy lives, juggling what feels like endless tasks, or extreme tiredness just when they decide to open up at 11pm at night. So how can we improve our listening skills when our adolescent children decide to open up to us? Here are some tips…

  1. Ensure your phone is out of sight so you won’t be distracted. If you have it by your side it could go off at any moment. Even a vibration can send signals to your child that you’re not fully paying attention.

  2. Ensure you’re mindfully ready by taking a few conscious breaths. Paying attention to how it feels in your tummy, chest area or nostrils as you breathe in and breathe out. This will ground you in the here and now, letting go of other tasks so your full attention is on your child.

  3. Consider your body language. Most experts agree that 70-93 percent of all communication is nonverbal. So ensure your body language is open with uncrossed arms, good eye contact, and an awareness of your facial expressions. As an expressive person, I tend to give away how I feel with a subtle raised eyebrow. This has got me into sticky territory before!

  4. Try not to interrupt. You may have the urge to step in and offer advice as soon as you can. This is of course, natural as a parent. Leaving a bit more space for your child to open up can lead to a greater depth of understanding. To remain present, drop into your breath again to anchor you and maintain your focus on what is being said. This is about waiting for the moment when they may ask for your advice rather than jumping in too early without hearing them out fully. There may be a nugget of information they disclose that could really help to understand their point of view.

  5. Remember just being there and listening holds the most power. So pat yourself on the back for that alone. Validation also goes a long way as it shows that you’ve deeply listened. For example, saying something like “From what you’ve said, I heard…which makes you feel…have I got this right?” This provides an opportunity for greater clarity if needed and it can be soothing for the child to feel heard.

  6. If you feel like your child has held back and there is more to say, here are other questions you could ask to help them to open up more…“That sounds tough, tell me more. And how does that make you feel? And what story are you telling yourself?”

  7. After they’ve disclosed everything, it is tempting to jump right in with a solution and save your child from discomfort. Of course, we as parents are built this way. Again, use your breath to ground you and calm the urge to helicopter parent. Remember, no-one likes to feel controlled, criticised, or lectured. It is our child’s job to solve their own issues, not ours. We guide them and this is a very important role for us. We can help them to arrive at a solution. Here are some useful phrases, “How do you feel about that choice? How could you have responded differently?  How can I support you with this?” These phrases are empowering for your child. If they come up with the solution themselves, it boosts their resilience and it’s also more likely that they will go along with the decision rather than feeling forced. It can also boost their confidence and self-esteem, leading to more can-do attitude to life.

For more tips and ideas, I run parent workshops and parent/child workshops online and in person. Contact me via bathmindfulness@gmail.com to learn more.

Present Moment Parenting

People talk about present moment parenting but what does it involve? Simply put, it’s about spending quality time with your child where you are emotionally and mentally present, without a phone in your hand or another task up your sleeve.

I recently had the opportunity for full presence with my eight-year-old son when we had 1 on 1 time away from his sister. We had two hours together and I seized the opportunity to connect with him. He values 1 on 1 time and often seems lighter afterward and less snappy. I asked him what he wanted to do with our time as I looked down at his football card folder and cards spread out over the rug. He was in the middle of a sort-out. He loves taking them out and organising them by team. So I could already see where this was headed. He smiled at me and said, “Well…first can you help me to organise them?” I said yes and we worked as a team. I pulled out a card and named the team and he put it into the right pile. Our system continued and time seemed to fly by. In fact we spend the whole two hours sorting cards!

I had decided that day to dedicate that time to him wholeheartedly. Without putting on a wash or tidying up the kitchen or any other chore calling at me. This was pure time for him and this is how he wanted to spend it. Because I set an intention I didn’t feel any resistance within me. Would I have chosen to spend two hours sorting through football cards in my spare time? No. Do I have a natural interest in football? No. But he does. As Gabor Mate recommends, we need to get in our children’s faces as much as possible to strengthen the parent/child bond. So it is great to get involved in their interests where we can.

Do I do this often? Not as much as I feel I could. It is important to me to smile with him, have a laugh with him, and have fun with him. This is essential for the parent/child bond. So much time can be spent nitpicking because he didn’t pick up his laundry or he snapped at me because I made porridge and not weetabix, forgetting his preference had changed. We need to balance out the everyday boring life nagging with some fun.

So there I was, laughing with him over the amount of cards he has and why do they have to change their kit every season and other questions that showed I really cared. He LOVED it. It is amazing how people shine when you engage in their interests. I loved it too. Is there an activity that your child loves that you can share sometimes? Its worth trying it out because they get such a kick out of your presence. 100% time carved out for them. I highly recommend it.